Ads That Are Currently Tweaking Me

As long-time readers are aware, I have a mild obsession with food ads. I find myself analyzing them, even yelling back at them. Here are some food ads that are currently pinging my bullsh!t meter:

V8 V-Fusion: Funny how Nature just knows how to make things that are good for you. Uh-huh. Sure. Like, I dunno, typhoid and cholera bacteria. Rattlesnake venom. Tobacco. Parasites. Deadly nightshade.

And fructose. You know, that wonderful natural substance that jacks up your triglycerides, triggers fat deposition, increases uric acid levels thus causing gout attacks, and is the biggest cause of non-alcoholic fatty liver disease. That stuff.

I don't know exactly what the fructose concentration in V-Fusion is, but I do know that one serving -- ie, one bottle -- of the stuff has 38 to 39 grams of sugar, depending on the flavor. (42 grams total carb.) Since fruit juice is the major sweet component of V-Fusion, you can bet it's loaded with fructose.

As for the vitamins, quite a lot of the vitamins in V-Fusion don't come from nature, but rather are added. I'd rather take a vitamin pill and skip the sugar, thanks.

I've noticed a trend, by the way, of companies combining sugary fruits and fruit juices with vegetables, so that they can say "Oh, look! This is a great way to get your vegetables without tasting them!" I'm all for vegetables, but not at the expense of consuming a big dose of fructose. I'll go so far as to say you'd do better to skip the vegetables than to consume them in this form.

There is a "light" V-Fusion with only 10 grams of sugar per bottle (though it still has 38 grams total carbohydrate.) It's sweetened with our old friend sucralose, aka Splenda. So much for "nature."

Then there's the ad for Special K's "Cracker Chips." Okay, the ad itself isn't so obnoxious, I just think it's a stupid product. So it's 110 calories. It's 110 calories of pure garbage that will make you hungry again an hour later.

The ingredient list for the cracker chips tells us that they're made of:

POTATOES, POTATO STARCH, LONG GRAIN BROWN RICE FLOUR (why we're supposed to care what length the rice grain was before they ground it up, I have no idea), SOYBEAN OIL (WITH TBHQ FOR FRESHNESS), WHOLE YELLOW CORN MEAL, OAT FIBER, CONTAINS TWO PERCENT OR LESS OF SEA SALT, MONOGLYCERIDES, SALT, WHEAT FLOUR, DEFATTED SOY FLOUR, SESAME FLOUR, WHEY, ASCORBIC ACID (VITAMIN C), CITRIC ACID, SOY LECITHIN.

So we're talking a lot of quickly digested, high impact starch, plus some highly processed, pro-inflammatory omega-6 oil. 23 grams of carb, 3 of which are fiber, so 20 grams usable carb. That's pretty much my daily intake, right there. 2 grams of protein, probably from that soy flour, not enough to prevent my blood sugar from going wonky; I can't speak for yours.

Virtually no vitamins or minerals to speak of. They can't have added much vitamin C, since the label claims 0% of your daily value.

Why do people think the road to healthy, energetic slimness is to eat portion-controlled highly processed junk?

Then there are the "Water Your Body" ads for Crystal Light, claiming that women who drink Crystal Light drink "20% more water." Note the absence of a specific statement of whom, exactly, they are drinking more water than.

I finally saw this ad in print form, and found this tiny-print statement at the bottom:

Kantar Worldpanel beverage panel data comparing consumption of tap, bottled, flavored water and prepared powdered beverages.

The questions are many. Like why does an artificially flavored, sweetened, and colored beverage made from powder count as "water," but soda pop does not? How about my beloved tea? It has caffeine, sure, but it's full of water, and has antioxidants to boot. I can go through at least a gallon a day, easy. Why "flavored water" but not, say, unsweetened sparkling water and club soda?

For that matter, how about people who own a decent water filter, and therefore aren't drinking straight tap water, nor shelling out the cash for bottled water, but are getting better-quality water than their municipal water utility provides? Are they more likely to drink water?

All this seems to say, really, is that people are more likely to drink flavored, sweetened stuff than straight water. Big surprise. Whether stuff sweetened with aspartame (we trust you aren't drinking the "fitness" line, sweetened with "cane juice", aka sugar) is as beneficial as drinking water is nowhere discussed.

One last ad, then I'll shut up. Not a food ad, actually, but one aimed at those concerned with losing weight: "I'm Ronny, from Jersey Shore, and I believe in keeping it real. That's why I take Xenadrine." I have no clue whether Xenadrine works, nor whether it's safe, and therefore hold little opinion as to whether it's a reasonable thing to spend your money on or not. I just want to know what taking an over-the-counter diet pill has to do with "keeping it real." Huh? Keeping what real?

As a Jersey girl with roots in the Garden State to back before the Revolution, I am also disgusted that the show Jersey Shore and the people on it are being held up as exemplars. For the record: I am nothing like those people, except that I rather like the Jersey shore.